Look Who Thinks She's Nothing
Most of us have not cultivated a welcoming stance towards disturbances, especially ones that interfere with our goals and intentions. Whether it is an unsightly cold sore on the day of a big presentation, a piece of negative feedback from someone we respect or the appearance in our inbox of someone we hooked up with on that crazy drunken night all those years ago, disturbances are rarely met with open arms or attitudes.
I’m disturbed by self-doubt.
Ok, the truth: until very recently, I’ve been plagued.
After decades of my own internal work, and of work with clients on the same issue, I still find myself cycling back to the familiar your not good enough story, whose plot culminates with me either falling on my face or not being noticed at all. I won’t bore you with the gory details of how I came to be like this. Trust me, it’s my pothole on the path.
And it’s been deeply ingrained—in family, through generations. I come from a long line that feel either worse or better than—and who’ve been told that by the world.
A joke comes to mind. Folks are in the synagogue. They’re pious folk with heavy Yiddish accents. The rabbi turns to the cantor. I’m nothing, he says. I’m no one. His shoulders slump. He bows. The cantor hangs his head in humble affirmation. I’m also nothing, he says. I’m less than that. He drops to the stone floor. The janitor walks by. He joins them. I’m nothing. I’m nobody at all. The cantor rolls his eyes at the rabbi. Uh. Look who thinks he’s nobody.
For many years, it has been my wish to be someone. Someone better than I am. (Do we all want that?)
In my case, someone clear, confident and strong. With the capacity to grow new things, to meet my goals, fulfill my expectations. If I scan a palette of colors, I am drawn to yellow-orange, like the hot expansive sun.
On the other hand, my self-doubt is pale salmon pink. It’s almost pasty white, like my shriveled skin in winter. But here’s the twist: If I allow myself to be drawn into the pale world that I’ve prejudged and rejected, deemed ugly and undesirable, I find myself swathed in a light white cloud. And this is not at all unpleasant. There’s nothingness. An interstice. A space between the worlds. And as I linger there for several breaths, it opens to a song.
Sun, sun, sun…. here it comes.
The Point: The internal enemy, the very thing that is experienced as a disturbance can be converted into an advantage if we allow it to unfurl. In this case, the self-doubt brings the feeling of nothing, which leads to big open space. Through this space, the sun shines… godness (a typo, then not), shines.
The Question: But… what does this mean, practically? How can this help with the next steps of my development?
The Answer: Instead of relying on my linear and rational mind (anyway the tiniest part of my brain), trust the emptiness, and enter it. Deep intuitive wisdom awaits within nothing.
Personal innovation can be found in the most unlikely places. Lean into disturbance, you could find something new.
And if you’d like: Try this exercised developed by 361ArtWorks:
- Scan a palette of colors. Let your eyes roam.
- Think about your goal. Pick a color that reflects or represents your goal.
- Enter the world of that color. Allow the color to create an internal mood or atmosphere. Allow it to move you (literally or emotionally).
- Think about a barrier or disturbance that interferes with that goal. Pick a color that reflects or represents the disturbance.
- Enter the world of that color. Allow the color to create an internal mood or atmosphere. Allow it to move you (literally or emotionally).
- Get some paint or crayons and allow the colors and moods to interact on a piece of paper until the drawing offers you some resolution or insight.